You're Not My Dream Date Either!

I’m not just speaking about appearance either, because I know that personality has a big influence on women’s initial attraction (men are another story). What grabs your attention is not always what holds your attention. And just because it grabs your attention doesn’t mean it’s worthwhile. It’s an axiom that you follow in every other area of life; why not follow it here too?

Let’s apply the “instant spark” theory to buying clothes. When you’re walking through Macys and you see an outfit that you love, do you immediately buy it? Nope. You look at the size, examine it for defects, and then will most likely try it on. Just because it looks good on the rack doesn’t mean it’ll look good on you, so you’ve got to check to make sure that it doesn’t make your thighs look fat. You know that just because you’re initially attracted to an outfit it’s not necessarily something you want in your life. Why wouldn’t the same be true for a relationship, which is a much more important item in your life?

Spending your dating career looking for “the spark” leads to two things. First, it ensures that you meet the same type of person every time, whether you’re aware of it or not. The same person, incidentally, that you’ve proven won’t be right for you because you’re still single. If instant attraction led to successful relationships, you would be in one. Here’s a quote that appeared later in the profile of one of our daters quoted above:

“I tried using this service about a year ago but never met anyone that I was attracted to. I want to meet some new people and seem to be in a rut with the same network of friends.”

She openly admits that she’s in a rut with meeting the same people, but doesn’t see that it’s because she is severely limiting herself. She never bothered to follow through with anyone on the service because she’s looking for the magical “instant attraction.” That’s the real problem with looking for a spark; it’s not based on anything real.

Real relationships are based on love, mutual respect, trust, and friendship. None of these characteristics can be determined in one quick meeting. People looking for “the spark” are really looking for someone who looks and behaves a specific way. That specific behavior has absolutely nothing to do with the person’s actual personality. It usually has to do with the front that they put on to succeed in public and with women.

The personality that usually causes the instant spark is one of confidence and cockiness. You’ll hear all the time from women that they want “someone confident, but not arrogant.” Those are two qualities that are very difficult to separate, especially in men. Confidence is great, but it’s nothing to build a relationship upon. The confidence and arrogance that cause a man to make an initial dynamic impression are the same qualities that prevent him from ever being emotionally intimate. That’s the second problem with “the spark.” It seeks to replace true intimacy with attraction and the two are usually not related.

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